i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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