Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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