Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
