I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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