from now on my penis is your penis
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she told me i tasted like america
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
