This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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