new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
