we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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