Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
