Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
