here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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