Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
FUCK WHALES
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