If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
