So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
