omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize
