I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
