you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
