I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
cat food counts as protein by the way
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
