She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
