You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
