he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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