OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
