Don't make out with my wife yet
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
