I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
