Plan B is the new Plan A
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
