just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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