Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
