I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
