she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
