I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
