Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
