Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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