Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
