i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
