Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
