watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
