My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
