OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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