I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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