my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
