I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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