Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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