Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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