your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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