My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
