i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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