i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
