The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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