she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
