Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
