it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
