i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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