Will you blow on my dice?
there's paper in my vomit.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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