got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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